ME: "Hmmm, I need to buy a chocolate cereal, but I don't know which one to purchase. However, the o-donut replacement works flawlessly, as can be seen in this dramatic reenactment of what happened in my brain when I was visiting the store: That's one of those ingenious marketing strategies that we human beings couldn't even begin to possibly comprehend even if we used 100% of our total brainpower. In addition to these fun and festive flavors, Quaker Oats is producing a limited-run series of "Cap'n Crunch's OOPS! Choco Donuts," which have cleverly substituted an image of a donut where the letter "O" in "DONUT" should be. The local grocery store was selling the following brands of Cap'n Crunch breakfast cereals:Ĭap'n Crunch's Morning Suppository Crunch BuffetĬap'n Crunch's Cap'n Morgan's LiquorberriesĬap'n Crunch's Five-Dollar Hooker Surprise His bouquet of bountiful flavors ranks somewhere in the millions now, and if grocery stores were to attempt to carry every permutation of the Cap'n Crunch brand, they'd probably go broke before the manager had a chance to call them fucking dumbasses for attempting to corner the market on shitty cereals. I think it's painfully obvious the dear Cap'n has an addiction to uppers.Īn Overview: The ol' Cap'n has been very busy in the last decade or so, pumping out hundreds of variations on his award-winning cereal which is not only shaped like a barrel, but tastes like one as well. Quaker Oats' Cap'n Crunch's OOPS! Choco Donuts In this exciting episode of "A Completely Awful Breakfast," I will compare and contrast three winners of the "cereals which prove that chocolate should probably not be the crux of a well-balanced breakfast" award: Quaker Oats' Cap'n Crunch's OOPS! Choco Donuts, Kellogg's SMORZ, and Kellogg's Disney Chocolate Mud & Bugs. Since I was unable to find any cereals which had both toasted oats and delightful chipped beef, I discovered the next best thing: three cereals which not only serve as a pseudo-complete breakfast, but could also take the place of each and every dessert required within a two-week radius. We need a cereal which doesn't only provide a fulfilling breakfast experience, but also takes the place of at least six other major meals throughout the day. Shouldn't our breakfast cereal mature and advance with our culture as well? Why should we be standing by and encouraging the old ideals of breakfast cereals which date back to the 1940s when we can instead advance forward in maturity, seamlessly progressing with technology? Let's put all those scientific microchips and floppy disks to use by creating wonderful new high-tech cereals which appeal to this generation of kids and old people who have the brain-damaged minds of kids. Let's face it we're living in a fast-paced, exciting, nonstop new world which includes high-tech things like the Internet, electric scooters, and battered women. I feel that our society, as a whole, has embraced antiquated and outdated ideas of what breakfast "should be" for far too long now. The one downside is that Kellogg’s Smorz are rarely found, if ever, in family size or bigger boxes.As many of you may know, I'm a big neo-revolutionary breakfast cereal mentality supporter, following in the footsteps of such philosophers as Professor Baron Von Mancock and Dr. The Kellogg’s Smorz pieces kind of remind me of that cinnamon-sugar Scooby Doo cereal they did a few years back with the bone pieces - nice and chunky, crunchy, but not abrasive. It’s basically Golden Grahams and Cocoa Puffs with marshmallows - the marshmallow quality is almost identical to the Kellogg’s Smorz, but the pieces in Kellogg’s Smorz are beyond compare, in my opinion. I find the Malt-o-Meal S’mores to be a pretty good dry cereal and not bad with milk, just not as exciting. The marshmallows are good too - more “marshmallow-y” than Lucky Charms, kind of creamy in texture (at least with milk). The pieces are big and crunchy, but not “destroy your mouth” Crunchberries crunchy - they have a smooth texture and nail the graham and chocolate flavor. I have not tried Honey Maid’s version, but it looks like it is very similar to the Malt-O-Meal S’mores cereal, which I have eaten quite a bit of.īoth are good, but the Kellogg’s Smorz is superior.
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